I am scared, and the worst thing about being scared is that it’s making me cowardly, and I’m angry at myself for being cowardly.
An example: there’s this abortion fund that operates in my home state of Florida that I have been giving money to for a while now. And I know, because police did this to a bail fund in Atlanta that was doing nothing more than bailing out Cop City protestors who were arrested in the course of protesting, that I could, in future, maybe get in trouble for my donations to the abortion fund. In Atlanta, they made a raid and arrested all the people organizing the bail fund and then they charged them under RICO, for money laundering and racketeering. This is not what RICO is for. RICO charges broadly are intended to target organized crime, not protestors.
In Texas, there’s legislation pending right now to charge abortion funds under RICO.
I live in a state, Massachusetts, with very good shield laws, but if the shield laws are somehow overridden by the federal government, I worry that my donations could be considered to be funding illegal activity. I worry that I could be arrested just for giving money.
Similarly, in the past year I joined, attended protests put on by, and gave money to a Jewish-led peace organization. Could a government hostile to organizations that call what is happening in Palestine a genocide decide that such organizations are supporting terrorism?
Absolutely.
And the list goes on.
I think about all the things I give to and do that the incoming government will be hostile to and my first, overwhelming, embarrassing instinct is to hide. Stop giving. Stop showing up. Say I changed my mind. I no longer support that. I’ve learned the error of my ways.
Doing this wouldn’t even make me safe, and I know it. I’m not a lawyer, and of course I want all the lawyers pushing back against that kind of bullshit as much as possible, it’s an incredibly important part of resisting autocracy. But I worry that somehow I could still get in vague trouble for actions I took in the past, and pretty much anyone can get into trouble with the law just from living their damn life, if the people who make or enforce the law are out to get them, which, incidentally, is why you should never, ever, talk to the police. I don’t think anyone’s coming after me, personally, right away, but I sure hope Jack Smith is working on his asylum applications, because I am really, really worried about him.
So I know this, I know there’s no real safety to be had, and yet I still have this overwhelming urge to just cancel all the donations, protest nothing ever again, keep my fucking head down, because actually I do not want to go to prison. I have been locked up and I did not like it. Nobody has even threatened me with a cage full of rats ready to eat my face, but still, I want not to exist in any way that will turn the eye of Sauron upon me.
That urge is exactly what Timothy Snyder was talking about in his essential little book On Tyranny, lesson 1 “Do not obey in advance.” Do not teach an autocrat what he can have for free, because you are afraid. Make him work for his power, at the very least.
Roxane Gay says something similar in an op-ed in the New York Times (gifted article, so you shouldn’t hit a paywall):
[T]o suggest we should yield even a little to Mr. Trump’s odious politics, to suggest we should compromise on the rights of trans people, for instance, and all of the other critical issues we care most about, is unacceptable. It is shameful and cowardly. We cannot abandon the most vulnerable communities to assuage the most powerful. Even if we did, it would never be enough. The goal posts would keep moving until progressive politics became indistinguishable from conservative politics. We’re halfway there already.
“Shameful and cowardly,” she says. They are harsh words but I know they are true because I feel the urge myself, and that is exactly what it is: understandable, yes, but also shameful and cowardly.
***
I don’t consider myself an Obey person to begin with, certainly not an Obey in Advance one. I tell you about this because it takes a lot of fear to make me a coward, and that, apparently, is the amount of fear I am feeling right now.
But I don’t want to be a coward. I want to be brave.
So, I do what I always do when I am feeling small and scared and ashamed: I write about it. I am afraid, and I’m mortified at myself that in a moment that clearly demands bravery, I’m struggling already to be brave.
I want you to know I feel that way because I bet some of you are feeling that way too, and I want you to know that I am going to keep trying to be brave anyways, and I want you to keep trying to be brave too, however that looks. Whatever the thing you most need to take a stand on is. I don’t mean do nothing but be brave all the time. I don’t mean don't consider risk, don’t consider anything but rising to this moment, but I do mean realize that it is entirely possible that more and more parts of our lives may be criminalized and that therefore we may all end up as criminals, and we if that happens, we will all have to be brave together to tolerate that.
In moments like this I always come back to finding your people, your trustworthy co-conspirators, whether it’s a conspiracy of getting abortions for people who need them or a conspiracy of making soup or a conspiracy of making art about freedom, of speaking the truth to one another.
It has to be a we. And the we has to expand.
We don’t have good words for this crucial activity, unfortunately. “Networking” sounds like a professional mixer in a hotel conference room, “community-building” sounds like a lot of work involving bad snacks and couches of questionable origin, “building trust” like a ropes course, “organizing” like a lot of shouting. And, while I don’t dispute that those things are valuable activities also, none of them are what I’m talking about.
I mean start with 3 other people you trust enough to tell that you are scared and you feel like a fucking coward (which is what I had to do, before I could tell all the rest of you) and maybe you all hang out every other Tuesday night doing absolutely nothing but playing gin rummy and talking about the state of the world, and then you can build something from there. Build to actions. Build to more connections. Build to a larger solidarity.
I dunno, it seems real small and not at all enough, but I sort of think it might be the beginning of everything.
And, also, now is not the time for me to quit giving to the things I care about because I’m scared in advance. Now is the time to keep giving and know I’m among thousands and thousands of other people who are doing the same. There is safety in those numbers. Not total safety, because that’s not a thing, but more safety.
Subscribe now
Share
On an entirely different aspect of the same topic, fear about the future, here are some of my prepper activities that I have been doing. Some of them I started before the election, and others I didn’t start till after. Some of them are always ongoing, because thinking ahead and being prepared for ordinary disasters is just how I am.
These may or may not feel important to you (they might just seem crazy, which I’m cool with) and you may or may not be able to financially swing them, but anyways here they are:
Making sure all the electronics in the household are in working order. For example, I’d been dragging my feet on getting my laptop screen repaired. I took it in this week and now it’s done. At the same time, making sure we’ve got household loaner machines for future repair needs. And, making sure everyone is using a good case for their phone. Phones these days, despite costing a zillion dollar and having a lot of glass on them and not liking water so much, we tend to treat like any other thing we’re carrying around in our pockets constantly. So I’m making sure we are protecting the phones with a slightly heavier duty case than is fashionable. Reason: possible upcoming supply chain disruptions and/or tariffs leading to more expensive repairs and new purchases as well as longer wait times.
For the same reason, ordering spare parts for household appliances that we anticipate needing soon (for us, this was a washing machine gasket we know we need to replace).
Also to hedge against supply chain/tariff/price gouging/inflation issues: stocking up on foreign goods we like in our household. Our big ones are Campari, Scotch, cocoa, vanilla, and other spices, as well as art and hobby supplies.
Restocking 3-d printer spools. There’s a 3-d printer in our home, and someone who knows how to use it. If we can’t buy a doodad, maybe we can make it.
We already keep a pretty tight hold on our passport renewal dates, but mine was due to renew at a time where I’m not positive we will have anyone left working at the state department to process it. (I know this sounds possibly overly dramatic, and I don’t care. If Elon Musk is in charge of a Department of Efficiency then things like renewing your passport will become the opposite of efficient.) So I sent it off early. If you or your kids don’t have US passports, now is the time. Also, even though we don’t plan to leave the country permanently (we considered that very seriously already during the Bush years, all the way to getting permanent residency visas to NZ, which we did not end up using), I did look again at our genealogy to see whether we could get second passports for any other country. Nope.
Vaccinations: I doubt that even if RFK, Jr. is confirmed that vaccines will come off the market immediately, but I’m making sure everyone in my family is up-to-date on vaccinations, particularly the Tdap, which should be renewed every 10 years and protects against tetanus and whooping cough (which is making a comeback in Boston this year), among other things.
Medications: I pre-ordered the next bottle of insulin for the cat. I’m making sure we have as much of our necessary meds on hand as insurance will pay for, and I’d advise folks especially to stock up on things like contraception, emergency contraception, and even mifepristone.
Generalized emergency preparedness stuff: we have a giant battery from Anker that we keep in case of prolonged power outages, and a car battery jumper in the car, and a hand crank weather radio, and miscellaneous other stuff like that. All that stuff needs upkeep (the batteries drain eventually whether or not they are used; water needs to be changed every so often, etc.). Do I anticipate all of our infrastructure to immediately fall apart come January 20th? No, this is stuff I do anyways. But with increasing climate disasters and decreasing involvement from the federal government (Trump has previously withheld federal disaster aid from states that piss him off) there is no time like the present to be prepared. I’m not talking guns and bunkers here. I don’t aim for preparedness to hold off the masses; I aim for it so I’m in a position to help my neighbors in disasters. Our backup battery won’t power our entire household; but it will charge my entire building’s phones more than once, if needed. Read Rebecca Solnit on disasters if you want to understand my approach more. If you have 0 idea where even to start on emergency preparedness, ready.gov will get you started.
In other news, winter is coming, despite the continued mild weather, and I’m starting to feel its weight and the weariness that comes along with it. Not just weariness, that is not the right word. The feeling of falling, endlessly, down a dark hole. The desire to stab myself in the face, over and over again. Despite everything I do to hold it at bay.
Still, I persist. I get out of bed. I go to my studio and I make art, I write, I send these little missives, I do resistance band workouts, I invite my friends to hang out, I notice weird light as I walk around the city, take pictures of it. I do what I can.
What else:
I am also accepting photo commissions, and if you are local to me in the Boston area and want to collaborate on a photo shoot or just let me take pictures of you, or visit the studio and make some art or conversation or conspiracy together, or play gin rummy, let me know. Smash that reply button or find me at all things www.amynewell.com . I also have some space for coaching clients, your first conversation is free.
Anyhow, onward and thanks for reading.
Till next update, xo, Amy
Share
Leave a comment